Thanksgiving Debauchery
by whattheflippincrap
Summary: Oneshot in honor of Thanksgiving. Takes place around sixth year. Sirius loses a turkey, Peter stalls McGonagall (with limited success), and James and Remus are dragged on a wild turkey chase. The end result? Detention.


**Do British people say "shite" instead of "shit" or is that just a stereotype? I'm not British so please forgive anything that sounds a little off.**

**Rated T for swearing, implied sex, underage drinking, and lots of eye rolling.**

**Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling.**

* * *

"Padfoot, what are you doing?"

"What's it look like Prongs? I'm dressing a turkey."

James blinked blearily from his bed at Sirius who appeared to be trying to shove a live turkey into what looked like shrunken dress robes. Actually, they looked like a shrunken pair of very familiar dress robes.

"Are those my robes?"

"You have fifteen pairs of dress robes, mate. Besides these look terrible with your complexion."

Sirius grunted, the turkey squawked, and James blinked again.

"And, why exactly are you trying to dress a turkey?" James asked as he slowly climbed out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

"Moony mentioned something earlier about an American holiday where people dress turkeys, smash potatoes, and most importantly, cancel classes. I'm trying to show McGonagall that Hogwarts needs to take up this holi—oh for fuck's sake. Bloody turkey bit me again!"

"I am so confused. Where are Moony and Wormtail?"

Sirius scoffed and made a shooing motion with his hands.

"Never you mind, Prongs. Old Padfoot will take care of everything."

~oOo~

When James came out of the bathroom, Sirius and the turkey were gone, although the room smelled faintly like the Owlery and there was what looked suspiciously like bird shit on his bedsheets. Ruffling his hair and mentally reminding himself to hex Sirius later, James went down to the Great Hall for breakfast, dreading whatever Sirius had planned.

He was not disappointed. A trail of feathers led the way from the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, through the common room, and down seven flights of stairs. Outside the Great Hall, James came face to face with a thoroughly distraught Sirius and a very resigned looking Remus.

"Where's Wormtail?" James asked, scanning the crowd behind the two Marauders.

"He's off distracting McGonagall, but never mind that. You gotta help me find Patches!" Sirius tugged on James' sleeve, hopping up and down on one foot.

"Get off me, you prat. Your bloody turkey shat all over my bed," James shoved Sirius and brushed off his robes. "Why is Wormtail distracting McGonagall and who's Patches?"

Remus sighed, "Patches is the rabid turkey Sirius somehow procured and thought would be a good idea to unleash upon the school and who apparently shat all over your bed, and Peter is off making sure McGonagall doesn't leave her office and find Patches."

James rolled his eyes and headed for the Great Hall, but Sirius pulled on his sleeve again, steering him towards the dungeons instead.

"No time for breakfast, Prongs! We're in a hurry."

James opened his mouth in protest and was met with Sirius's hand over his mouth. Remus gave him a resigned half-smile.

"There's no arguing with him when he's like this."

Sirius grabbed both James's and Remus's robes and dragged them down the stairs towards the Potions classroom.

"Padfoot, what makes you so sure the turkey went this way?" Remus asked as he jerked his robes away from Sirius.

"I just know. We have a deep connection, you know."

Remus sniggered, "What'd you do? Shag the poor bird?"

James cast a sidelong glance at Remus and smirked, "Wouldn't be the first time a bird's ran away after Padfoot's shagged her." Remus snorted and high-fived James as they continued to trail after Sirius.

"Haha very funny. You blokes are just jealous that birds love me."

~oOo~

Meanwhile in Professor McGonagall's office, Peter Pettigrew nervously shifted his feet as he tried to pay attention to what McGonagall was saying about Conjuring spells.

"Pettigrew, are you even listening to me?" Peter jerked out of his thoughts and looked across the desk at McGonagall. She was frowning which was never a great sign especially if Peter wanted to keep her focus.

He gulped visibly, "Sorry, Professor. It was just kind of hard for me to keep up with what you were saying."

Peter fidgeted in his seat and wished the mirror in his pocket would give him some sign that Sirius no longer needed him to distract McGonagall and that he could finally get away from McGonagall's piercing gaze. Usually Remus was the distraction, but he was nowhere to be found this morning when the damn turkey escaped Sirius's grasp and so, Peter was sitting in McGonagall's office instead, anxiously wiping his clammy hands on his robes.

McGonagall's eyes softened marginally, "Mr. Pettigrew, I understand that the theory behind Conjuring can be a bit convoluted. You have a decent grasp on the practical aspect of Transfiguration and frankly, I was very impressed with your O.W.L results, but at the N.E.W.T. level, understanding the theory is key. You won't be able to successfully cast any high-level Transfiguration spells, like Conjuring, if you don't understand why the spell is supposed to work," She took a breath and then narrowed her eyes.

"Although I must confess, I'm a little surprised you came to me for help. I was always under the impression that you'd much rather ask Potter or Lupin for assistance. While I'm pleased that you're here, forgive me for being a little skeptical on why you're actually here."

Peter internally panicked as he racked his brains for something comprehensible to say, "Umm well, Remus and Sirius were just occupied with other things this morning and James was still asleep, so I thought I'd just come directly to you…" He trailed off awkwardly, hoping McGonagall would buy his half-truth.

She raised an eyebrow, "If I remember correctly, last week you and Black disrupted my class by loudly discussing how thinking about Transfiguration first thing in the morning was 'more painful than the Cruciatus'. So Mr. Pettigrew, if Lupin and Black are currently occupied, am I correct in presuming that you were sent to be a distraction so that I won't find out what sort of debauchery your peers are actually up to?"

Peter felt sweat gathering at his hairline and his left eye start twitching. Fuck! How the hell was he supposed to get out of this now? As he struggled for a response, McGonagall spoke again.

"Due to your lack of response, I'm going to assume that my deduction was correct. Wait here while I go find out what the rest of your friends are doing. I'll herd them all back here and then we can decide what the next course of action should be." She stood up and marched to the door.

"Wait!" Peter shouted in a desperate last attempt, "Professor, I did really come here to get some help on Conjuring spells."

McGonagall's nostrils flared, "If that's the truth, then you should have nothing to fear when I find Potter, Black, and Lupin," She turned around and exited the office.

"Fuck!" Peter groaned, "Agrippa's sake. Why does McGonagall have to be so perceptive? I have to warn the others."

He slowly pushed open the office door and checked to see if McGonagall had left the corridor. Seeing just a pair of Ravenclaws around the corner, Peter slipped out of McGonagall's office and ducked into a nearby alcove, before fishing the mirror out of his pocket.

"Sirius! Code red, code red! Can you hear me? McGonagall's onto you!" He heard some muffled scuffling before James's face appeared.

"What? Pete, we need more time! There's still no sign of the blasted turkey. You gotta find McGonagall and stall." James's face was shoved out of the way and Sirius appeared, looking overly frazzled.

"Wormtail, you failed! How could you?"

Peter rolled his eyes, "I told you we should've spared some time to find Remus this morning. He's way better at the whole distract a professor by discussing some obscure detail he found in a textbook thing."

"Yeah, yeah, never mind that. We've got to hurry. Wormtail, you start on the top floor and see if you can find any clue regarding Patches. We're going to make our way from the bottom up. If either of us find something or if we run into McGonagall, we call the other on the mirror. Got it?"

Peter rolled his eyes again, "Fine, but this is all your fault." He tucked the mirror away and started for the stairs. Trust Sirius to always land them into some sort of insane mess.

~oOo~

"You're wrong, Black. There's no sign the bloody turkey was ever in the dungeons," Remus sighed, "And now McGonagall is on the loose and we're all going to get detention. Fuck you, mate—I was hoping to spend my next few nights reading about Dorian Gray, not off scrubbing bedpans in the Hospital Wing or some shit."

"Come off it, Moony. This is partially your fault too. If you—"

"My fault! How in Merlin's saggy—"

"If_ you_ hadn't told Padfoot about some made-up holiday with turkeys in dress robes and something about potatoes, we wouldn't be having this problem," James finished pointedly.

Remus scoffed, "What the hell? First of all, Thanksgiving isn't a made-up holiday, but you're not supposed to put a live turkey in dress robes; you're supposed to cook the turkey, stuff it, and eat it!"

Sirius turned around, "Stuff it where? How're you supposed to eat it if you've stuffed it somewhere else? I think you've got the details wrong, Moony and I'm definitely _not_ going to cook Patches, but I do concede that I might've been wrong about our connection," He dropped to his knees and raised his arms above his head.

"Woe is me, Patches! I thought we had bonded, but instead, you've just ripped out my heart and run off with it," Sirius clasped his hands over his heart dramatically in mock anguish.

Remus rolled his eyes, and James snorted before the latter reached down to help Sirius up.

"Get up, mate. We still have some time."

Suddenly, Frank Longbottom rounded the corner and caught himself before crashing into the still kneeling Sirius. His robes were askew, and he was panting heavily.

"Do not," He bent over gasping, "I repeat, do not go up to the second floor. Somehow a rabid turkey got in and it's been chasing and attacking people. I never thought I would be scared of a turkey, but that thing is bloody terrifying."

Sirius jumped up and shared a look with James and Remus, before they all started running towards the nearest staircase.

"Wait," Frank called out, "Why are you running towards it?" Hearing no response, he shook his head and muttered under his breath, "I will never understand those blokes…"

~oOo~

"Out of my way," Sirius yelled out to all the people on the stairs as he, James, and Remus hurried up to the second floor.

"Fuck," Remus gasped, clutching a stitch in his side, "I was not made for running up the stairs."

"No man left behind!" Sirius yanked one of Remus's arms over his shoulder, "James, take the other arm and start hexing people if they don't bloody move."

James obliged and after a random Hufflepuff was hit with a Jelly-Legs Jinx, people scurried out of their way pretty quickly. When they reached the second floor corridor, James paused for a moment to let Remus and Sirius catch their breaths. People were giving them a wide berth, muttering about "those marauders", but otherwise, mostly unsurprised, considering it was pretty much the norm at this point to find the Marauders up to something really weird.

A scream rang out. "This way!" James gestured and took off with Sirius on his heels and Remus groaning, but nonetheless, following behind.

"Patches, my love!" Sirius whipped out his wand and tried to stun the rampaging turkey in front of them. People were running away as Patches squawked and attempted to peck anyone close by. Filch's cat was also in the midst of the chaos, hissing and spitting at Patches and people alike.

"Stop firing stunners, Padfoot! I'm going to throw out a Dungbomb and hopefully, the smell will knock Patches out," James yelled out as he reached in his bag for his box of Dungbombs.

"Get this bloody bird away from me!" Someone yelled out, before shooting off a variety of curses.

"No! Patches, watch out!" Sirius continued to shoot off stunners at both the turkey and the student. James lobbed a Dungbomb into the chaos just as Madame Pomfrey rounded the corner with a tray of bottles and one of Sirius's stunners ricocheted off a suit of armour and hit Madame Pomfrey in the chest. Remus gaped, horrified as he watched Madame Pomfrey drop the tray and collapse while another one of Sirius's stunners collided with the bottles and hit whatever spell the random student was firing. The mixture caused some sort of explosion that, coupled with the Dungbomb, created a huge cloud of smoke that stung his eyes and he stumbled back coughing.

"Patches!" Sirius exclaimed before diving into the cloud. There was a muffled thump and a lot of cursing. Remus and James quickly cast spells to disperse the smoke.

"Holy fuck," James said dumbfoundedly. The edge of the second floor corridor, namely the Charms classroom, had been bombed and melted away. The floor was covered in rubble and the entire corridor smelled putrid. The random student, who turned out to be a fellow Gryffindor, groaned and slowly sat up.

"Shit, James. We are so dead," Remus pulled James's attention to the corner of the hallway where Sirius was struggling to hold Patches while fending off Filch's cat who was scratching up his left arm. He was also sprawled on top of Professor McGonagall's legs who appeared to have walked around the corner right when Sirius dived for the turkey.

McGonagall stood up, fuming and nostrils flaring dangerously. Her hat was crooked and her hair was falling out of its usually neat bun.

"Patches!" Peter raced around the corner and stumbled to avoid running straight into McGonagall. "Shit," he said, taking in the horrific mess that surrounded the area.

"BLACK, POTTER, LUPIN, PETTIGREW! DETENTION!"

The Marauders looked at each other.

"Fuck."

~oOo~

"Three weeks of detention! Why?" Sirius groaned as he flopped himself onto his bed and pulled out a bottle of dittany from the bedside table to heal his scratched-up arm.

Remus sighed and dropped his bag, "I think that could've gone better."

James walked in last, carrying a basket from the kitchens, "Well, cheer up mates. We get the rest of the day off before detention this evening since we already missed Defense and Sirius blew up the entire Charms corridor, Pete should be back from his Honeydukes run any moment, there's four bottles of firewhiskey in Sirius's trunk—"

"Oy!"

"and we've got all this food from the kitchens! Padfoot, here's your turkey and smashed potatoes."

Remus rolled his eyes, "Mashed potatoes, Prongs."

"Smashed, mashed. Same thing Moony. Padfoot, I'm willing to forgive the bird shit on my bed and you stealing my dress robes if you share the whiskey," James remarked, looking pointedly at Sirius.

Sirius grumbled, but kicked his trunk to James, "Fine, fine, go ahead. It's not like I paid for this myself or anything."

James dug into Sirius's trunk and pulled out a crate of firewhiskey, "Here Moony, have some firewhiskey. You won't remember the difference between smashed potatoes and mashed potatoes either once you drink enough."

Remus grumbled, but grabbed a bottle and took a gulp.

"Easy for you to be cheerful; you only get two weeks of detention," Sirius whined and started feeding Patches who was making herself comfortable on the bed next to him. Remus looked over and immediately choked.

"Agrippa's sake, Sirius. That's really fucked up."

Sirius paused, and looked up, "It's chicken, Moony. I'm not _that_ sadistic. Besides, I think Patches is really enjoying it."

The dormitory door creaked open.

"What the hell happened today?" Peter asked as he walked in, levitating a towering stack of Honeydukes crates.

"Pssh, it's a long story, but glad you're finally here! I could really use some Jelly Slugs to go with the firewhiskey. Catch," Sirius tossed the fourth bottle of firewhiskey at Peter, before raising his own to a toast.

"Cheers, mates! To a long and blacked out Givingthanks afternoon!"

"Thanksgiving, Padfoot, not Givingthanks."

"You clearly need to drink more, Moony."


End file.
